The Mechanics of my Undoing

They say before you dismantle the structure, you have to have one. 

In order to have one, you have to enter it in every way imaginable, get to know it, shine light into the shadows; as a friend says, cry it out, scream it out, shout it out, wait it out, feel it, love it, be it, know it, and mostly just realize that there is nothing to fear in the pain of being human.  Walk into the fire fearlessly. Inhabit the sensations within, the emotion, the trauma, this vestibule.  

Until there is virtually nothing to hide from others because you have not hidden it from yourself and you know that these human traits are possessed by every man and every woman.  

Becoming more and more transparent, with much of the fear faced and the attachment to (or fear of) the pain burned up i feel vibration and tingling sensation in my body almost constantly, now.  But until recently, a belief system had remained, a sense of a physical structure that is concrete, an ego that wants to get somewhere, a personality that has been "successful" at life, a heart that is afraid to drop completely into The Heart and Love "what is" fully.  

And then come a series of events...many endings and changes, a willingness to dissolve into the unknown over many months, a job ending, an auto accident, teachers who gently show, soothe and shine. An Other who beckons into Heart Space.  And the body mind is dropped.  

The brilliant golden light that has been seen as "outside" is allowed to enter the chest cavity and inhabit the body, blinding every cell and normal sight. In one sense all that can be seen is light. In another every normal thing is seen but is changed,  somehow..as if what used to be foreground becomes figment.  

A Thou enters into We-space...a person who has been practicing and playing and delving into these realms..a person strong enough and brave enought and bold enough to say, "let's open our hearts together."  And i pull apart the ribs and skin that cover my heart and that golden light begins to emanate from deep in the center of my chest, still filling me and blinding me and now emerging, not able to be contained in this body...the structure beginning to give way.  

And then the teachers appear. 
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, they say.  Allow yourself to shine out your Beauty.  TAKE OFF THE STRUCTURES THAT BIND.  And so the belief system that resides in the brain and bodymind is taken apart, dismantled, left in pieces on the floor, unnecessary.   

The ego with its desire to achieve and prove and be somebody is questioned and pointed out as a construct, seen as a way to measure others and the self by ones standards which ultimately are empty (and not).   

The personality is simultaneously celebrated and seen as loose, fluid, challenged to release itself into billions of perspectives and embodiments. This personality is just a tool kit. "Own it" he says.  "Don't let it own you."  

Now finding my way through This.  Stepping lightly, unsure.  Yet more defenseless than i've ever been.